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The No Pie Left Behind Act of 2008 should ensure that each piece of pie gets our full attention. I and my colleagues in the Pieous Party take our roles very seriously, and believe in the equality of all pies, no matter the color of their fillings or the shape of their crusts. My friends, do you hear the slice of Pumpkin calling for equanimity from the fridge, or the slices of Pecan struggling amidst sheets of foil on the countertops? Well, I do. And I intend to do something about it. Right now! This very minute!
I ask you to join with me to fight against this stain on our society. We must work to lift up these disadvantaged pies by setting measurable goals for pie consumption each week. If we work with this end in mind, we can be rest assured that neither little Cherry Crumble from Nebraska, nor Strawberry Rhubarb from Idaho, nor Southern Pecan from Texas will find themselves falling further behind their more fortunate peers. We advocate the equal distribution of whipped cream and coffee to give all pies the help they need to acheive consumption.
Tonight, my fellow citizens, I urge you to not only ask the question "Is it Pie time?" but to make the commitment to Pieousness by responding with vigor that "Yes! It is high time for Pie time!"
I second this act and will gladly serve as dedicated constituent in any way necessary. Through exceptional and committed experience in The No Pie Left Behind Act, I come to the table with rolled sleeves and an empty stomach.
ReplyDeleteA remarkable quote from Fridge v. Consumer:
"If the pie doesn't fit, you must...eat it"
Now just a minute here, pies in deed! Someone might be a little pie eyed from nipping a bit too much cooking sherry. Citizens, this is party spirit in its lowest form. What about the cakes? You can’t dessert them. You can’t name a descent cliché about pies, other that maybe “pie in the sky”, and that says a lot about their bourgeoisie status; but cakes now that’s a different story. Consider, “that takes the cake”; why? Because it is worthy of being taken, and then eaten! And speaking of parties, you have never heard of a “pie walk”, but a cake walk, that’s a true working class event if ever there was one.
ReplyDeleteI tell you if this outrageous and subversive movement takes hold there wont be a bakery in America where an honest, descent, good chocolate cake will stand a chance against a mediocre pumpkin pie.
Make cake not war!
I want to thank our constituents and our loyal supporters from the Waco area who inspire us to press on in this fight!
ReplyDeleteMy fellow citizens, I fear that Cake kickbacks have compromised the integrity of our friends across the aisle and they are choosing to be willfully ignorant of the pies of Main Street in favor of the icing of Wall Street.
It should be noted that members of the Cake Lobby, and especially those members who have reportedly eaten pie for breakfast on NUMEROUS occasions, cannot be trusted for input on such important Pie Legislation such as this.
So I ask you, is it pie time?
Investigator HW Cream:
ReplyDelete"A moment, please! A moment! I apologize for interrupting this hallowed legislative body, however, important information has come to light in an ongoing investigation that has direct bearing on those responsible for this Act.
The investigation I reference is known internally only as Operation Filling and has uncovered the appalling discriminatory practices of our country's leaders on the sensitive topic of pie. I stand before you with proof in these surveillance tapes that the stateswoman who so recently brought forth the No Pie Left Behind Act in fact harbours ill will towards one of the very pies to be covered in her bill.
To be blunt, She stated in a recent conversation that apple pie had a less than satisfactory texture and further admitted that she avoided this pie whenever possible."
*gasp* *murmur* *murmur*
"Indeed, indeed. Upon review of this evidence, I believe that while the esteemed patroness has many other appreciable talents, you will find she is unfit to champion this cause.
Legislators, let me urge you to remain dedicated to this noble topic. Let us all strive to achieve an appreciation of pie that crosses all boundaries, and encircles all pie plates. Do not become whipped up in a froth of frenzied foolery with fine language and fickle friendliness! Instead, confront the pie nay-sayer within, and subdue it with appropriate and equal consumption.
Thank you for your time.
Kami
We need more stories from you, J'Non! Can you scratch out a few more?
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to see that the cake lobby has evidently silenced your passionate pleas, on this and all other noble topics. Where are you??
ReplyDelete